Volume 2:
Chaz's Corner - LapBANDED Living From The Male Perspective
By: Chaz Merkel
Greetings Fellow Bandsters!
Welcome to the second installation of my new column for Banded Living. I was discussing with a friend the other day about what I thought my first 'real' column should be about. It was suggested to me that the readership really doesn't know anything about me...my journey...or what I am all about. And I guess that is kind of important when you are dolling out advice to people that they know you have walked the walk and talked the talk. I have promised to always be 'real' with you.
I came across an old post I had made to a Bandster board in June of 2005. When I reread it...I was flooded with all those old emotions I was having at that time in my life. So I thought it might be something significant to share with you, as many of you may be going through some of the same things.
I wrote it just after I had lost my first one hundred pounds. I now have lost 215 pounds and my life has changed even more radically. Never having been one to shy away from sharing my personal feelings...you will see that I share some very personal emotions that I believe many of you will identify with regardless of where you are along your Banded journey. So I am posting it in its entirety. I apologize in advance for its length. But I hope that you might find some of it compelling, and will give you a little insight as to what makes me tick. As Banded folk...we all have many things in common. Please feel free to direct your comments, questions, or suggestions for future columns by clicking on the email link at the end of this column. I look forward to hearing from you!
On to the post from June of 2005....
Hello Everyone,
Chaz here. I know it has been a while since I have added anything significant on the boards (and I have been feeling a little guilty about that too!), so I thought it was time for an update and some thoughts that have been running through my head recently. I have been spending a great deal more time on myself lately And re-discovering "me", plus the enjoyment of actually having a life again. It might b ea little selfish...but feels really good!
Since I have never been known for my abbreviated posts, I apologize in advance if this gets a little long winded. During the process of this life changing weight loss I have rediscovered some things about myself and about others that I was feeling the need to share. I am going to be extremely honest. I am sure some of you have already experienced much of this, but I will share some of these feelings and perceptions for those of you that are currently where I was, and by doing so I hope that it might provide you with some extra motivation and clarity in your own journeys.
On to my news:
I recently have experienced a personal weight loss victory. At one time I seriously wondered if it would ever happen for me. I am now officially down a total of 122 pounds from my top weight, and 104 pounds since being banded on December 5th, 2003. I guess that is would be the equivalent of a smaller sized person...wow! Yes, I finally broke past (and below), 300 pounds. I know that I still have quite a ways to go. I realize it is not that big of a deal for some people, but to me it represents a major landmark, and it also helps provide me with even more encouragement and motivation to keep going. I have been looking forward to this day, because to me it represents getting past the half-way mark that I have aspired to. I hesitated to even write about it until I had at least maintained my current weight of 295 pounds for several days. But since I have managed to do so (and I am hoping it is permanent), I decided it was time to share my joy. This truly HAS been the journey of a lifetime, and I am feeling motivated to continue with it now more than ever. I have even begun to swim and exercise. I could have never done that before. I have learned a great deal about the band and discovered a few new things about myself in these past 17 months.
There was a time when I honestly believe that I was going to be "THE ONE" would completely fail...even with my new Band. I used to lie awake in bed at night and worry about it. I was having so many problems, and not much success, and I felt a little embarrassed and ashamed that I was not a "model Bandster". But a lot of that was because I was working AGAINST the band...and not WITH it. I still do a number of things wrong, and I know that some things will always be difficult for me to adapt to, but I now know that it CAN be done! I am so pleased to know that the band really DOES work. Even for a tough customer like me!
There was a time at 435 pounds when I was still researching the Band, that I would have been happy with just about ANY weight loss. After years and years of trying everything under the sun, I had finally lost the ability to help myself any longer. I felt like I was drowning and I just did not have the strength to keep swimming any longer. I felt that if I didn't do something soon I would be dead...I knew it. And I also knew that if I could not somehow lose this weight that I didn't really want to live much longer either...at least not like that. It was no kind of life for me. I was at a complete and total impasse in my life. I was depressed and in a desperate place. In my misery I saw this glimmer of light on the horizon. The Band represented that glimmer of hope tome, when it was all but gone in my life. I had to use my last bit of energy I had for myself and crawl toward that glowing light. I know that my decision saved my life. Sounds pretty dramatic I know, but when I look back it really is exactly how I felt.
My, how things have changed.
I have been setting a series of small goals for myself ever since I got banded. For the most part they were all pretty attainable and they worked to help keep me motivated. But when I was at 435 lbs and getting to 294 seemed almost like too much to hope for. Originally when I decided to get banded I thought that a good goal weight for me would be between 200 and 220 pounds, and it still is my ultimate goal. But I also said to myself that even if I only lost 100 pounds I would be delighted (which I truly am). It's a funny thing that happens when you reach one goal....you want to extend that goal out a little further...and then a little further. I think it is just human nature to want to keep trying to push ourselves and better our lives...and I am grateful for that. However, if I never lost another pound from where I am right now I can honestly say that I am glad for the decision I made to have this particular surgery, and I don't regret one moment of it. I know that would not have happened for me any other way.
I have not been below 300 pounds for over a decade and a half. In fact, I think I had completely forgotten what it was like to be this size. It all feels new again. It didn't really dawn on me how much I have physically changed until recently. People kept saying "Chaz, you are looking great...you have really lost weight", or "hey skinny...looking GOOD!", and I guess I must have looked at them kind of perplexed...because I really couldn't see it yet. My head had not caught up to my body. Funny how those old mental images of ourselves can blind us from seeing the metamorphosis we are going through. Now I keep looking at myself in the mirror, seeing the changes my body is going through, and how the weight is shifting or disappearing indifferent areas, and I marvel at it. As if I was watching some kind of surreal "morphing" from a science fiction movie. I am by no means slim (nor is that my goal), but I am much more "normal" looking to people on the street. I may still technically be 'fat', but I am no longer the morbidly obese person waddling down the street that people used to either stare at with disgust...or turn their heads away as if I did not exist. Those are images I will never forget.
Coincidentally, I am also now increasingly the object of admiring glances, and outright flirting by people...wow! I am now enjoying the pleasure of being met with smiles by total strangers...instead of a look of mere tolerance, or outright annoyance...as much to say "oh jeez, what does this fat guy want from me. I wish he'd go away?". It is only recently that I can actually admit to myself that this is how I was made to feel when I was out in public. Is it any wonder that I would shut myself away inside my house and hide from the world?.
It feels really good to be smiled at again by passing strangers...but a little confusing too. After all, back then at 435 lbs I was still the same person inside...wasn't I? So why am I being treated so differently now? I haven't changed. Or have I?
I had been through this before when I was 21years old and I lost 120 pounds, so I kind of knew what to expect from people. My whole world changed suddenly. But what I had forgotten were the "feelings" that were attached to the reactions of others. People will be people...it will never change. Some people are shallow and unable to look past a person's exterior. And then there are those to whom it will never matter what we look like. Am I bitter about it? No...it would serve no purpose. I have mulled it over in my mind time and time again, and I think it just all boils down to human nature.
There are also subtle signals we all subconsciously send out and receive from each other that elicit certain responses. I know that there were those times that I would block out strangers...if for no other reason than to reject them before they could reject me. So in all honesty, I have to accept my role in some of it. I think it was some form of emotional self-preservation. The rejection happened so frequently that I came to expect it from strangers. It secretly hurt, and it dragged me down more emotionally every time it happened. Self esteem should NOT be based on our weight and how others perceive us. But I do believe that when we are not getting the kind of social reinforcement we need, then our self esteem wanes and our social skills atrophy. Sometimes we don't even notice when it is happening to us.
OK, at the risk of having an "Oprah" moment here...lol...I am going to share some honest feelings and an example:
As a morbidly obese person, I was so used to being treated with indifference that it had really taken its toll on me psychologically and emotionally. I felt dull and bland, and I walked through life with my head down. I would just want to get done quickly whatever errand it was I had to do so that I could get home and away from those looks of distain, disgust, and disinterest. How well I remember huffing, puffing, and plodding through the parking lot at Wal-Mart just wanting to get to that air-conditioned entrance. I kept my eyes downcast or looked straight ahead with a glazed look in my eyes for fear of making eye contact with another human being. And when I made it into the air conditioned store, I stood there leaning on my shopping cart...panting and mopping the sweat from my brow as passerby's stared at me. Some glared at me with disgust, no doubt calling me unflattering names under their breath. Or occasionally some lady would look at me with deep sadness on her face...probably out of concern
that I was going to keel over dead. Those were the nice ones. But regardless, it still made me feel bad about myself. I had long since stopped looking directly at, or even smiling at strangers, because I had grown to fear the constant rejection I would see in their eyes and on the faces of my fellow human beings. It was painful to endure, and still a little painful to reflect upon. I honestly never really allowed myself to scrutinize and "own-up" to the feelings I was having...until quite recently. I now realize more than ever that by my hiding away from the world I too played a role in my own social and emotional undoing...even if it was only a passive one.
Now I walk through a store with a bounce in my step and an open, friendly, and responsive look on my face....and it gets reactions. It is the old theory of" cause and effect". It still amazes me how much more self esteem I am developing from just the simple act of receiving the affirming smiles and warm looks of people I don't even know. I am feeling validated again as a vital human being. Those small affirmations are transferring into self confidence, assertiveness, and motivation.
As a result, my life is definitely changing...for the better. I feel as if I am able to express my needs, opinions, and feelings about all kinds of things without the fear of rejection or being disrespected by others. I am a better, more pleasant person to be around also. I am handling stress better. I just plain FEEL better physically. I even seek out physical activity from time to time, (I know, I was shocked too!). My dreams for myself are actually starting to seem possible to attain again because my belief in my abilities and my personal power are once more on the rise. And even though I still am the health-caregiver for my Mom and I need to spend most of my time at home with her, I went out and got myself a part time job 2 days a week, and it is doing wonders for my self esteem. I find myself really looking forward to going to work again. I also feel more sexual and more desirable (not to mention a little "flirty"...lol), and I don't feel as if I have to settle romantically for the first person who will pay some attention to me...regardless of whether they are well suited for me or not. But most of all, I am hopeful for the future again...when only a short time ago I didn't hold out much hope for any kind of future at all for myself.
As I sit here slowly eating my tiny cup of yogurt (which would have NEVER happened before my being Banded), and I am actually enjoying it. I am abundantly aware of the hundreds of small changes that have swept through my life these past 17 months. Some of them are happening so rapidly that I am not even aware of them. There was a time so many years ago when I used to really like who I was...but I somehow lost myself. That was a scary time for me, but I think it's over now.
Now I am in the process of rediscovering ME again. It is kind of exciting...and yes, a little bit scary too. It takes a while for some of this stuff to really sink into the 'ol noggin, but I am eternally grateful for this second chance in life. I am looking forward to the rest of my journey, because I know that things can only get better from here, and I don't ever want to lose myself again. I am now proud of myself and that I have been able to successfully face this challenge. I am committed now...more than ever...to becoming a healthier and happier person. And nothing is going to stop me from attaining my goal!
End
Well friends, that the way it was back then. At that time I never really could imagine how much better and more full my life could be now that I have reached and maintained a weight loss of 215 pounds for more than 7 years now. I hope that this chapter in the story of my life gives you some insight as to who Chaz is, and why I am so passionate about helping others find the same kind of hope and personal fulfillment that I have been lucky enough to achieve.
So until next month....
Submit your questions and comments to chaz@bandedliving.com
Chaz Merkel
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