By: Sandi Henderson, From SandisBandedLiving Blog

This is my moment of truth.  One second I feel like a total failure.  The next second I remind myself of what I have accomplished and feel ok.  Then I think I may be rationalizing my situation by feeling ok.  I should be upset.  But getting upset doesn't accomplish anything, right?

The calories can add up before you know it. How many calories make a pound?

What is it that has me running in circles chasing my tail?  You got it, same old thing - my weight!  Over the past year I have managed to gain back 15 of the 250 pounds that I lost and I am not pleased with myself.  I know exactly how it happened.  It was that extra bite at dinner, that "it's okay to have a little bit of ice-cream today" attitude, and that "it's almonds, they're good for me" look as I reached in and grabbed just a "little bit" out of the bag.  When you add up all of those extra bites, little bits and permissions to not care they total about 50,000 calories if you figure that 3500 calories equals one pound.

That is a whole lot of extra bites.  This is regardless of how hard I exercise every day.  I don't care if I still look ok, have lost an incredible amount of weight, and up until now have been the poster child for lap band surgery.  Doesn't matter.  Still feels like failure to me.  Looks like a failure, smells like a failure, guess it is a failure.  Bottom line here - I am not invincible.  My lap band is still working.  I just made some conscious (or perhaps unconscious) choices to not work my band.  That is ok as long as I am willing to accept the results (or should I say consequences) of my behavior.  I am not…

OK, deep breath - in through the nose, out through the mouth……again……….again….I think my blood pressure and heart rate have come down enough to look at this intelligently rather than emotionally.  What really happened here?  Fact:  I put on some weight that I am not happy with.  Emotion:  I want to beat myself up.  Why?  Perhaps to continue to sabotage my well being and have further excuses to make poor choices…or maybe just because I am a perfectionist, or even both and more.  Will this emotional response result in anything positive?  NOPE!  Fact:  I have the power to change my choices which include my emotional reactions to this weight gain.

Oh, by the way, I just turned 63 years old so it was definitely a good time for reflection.

Plan of action:  Back to basics.  For me that means 90-100 grams of protein per day, 1200 - 1300 calories per day, 64-84 ounces of water per day, journaling and being accountable to myself…and others since I have finally faced this out loud for all to see.  This means continuing to exercise for 30 - 60 minutes at least 6 days per week, ramping up that exercise if possible to work harder without causing physical injury or medical consequences.  That means I need to be mindful of every bite I put in my mouth and adjust the rest of my day based on that last bite.

Have I really been hungry between meals?  Nope, not physically anyway.  Am I hungry at night when I have been grabbing that healthy snack?  Nope, not physically anyway.

To be 100% honest I actually implemented my plan last week and so far I am down one pound…..I hope to see more loss as my body adjusts back to the appropriate portion sizes and the appropriate food choices.  I have been weighing myself every day because I am so unhappy with myself.  This too stops today.  I will weigh once a week.  It really makes no difference whether or not I have lost ¼ or ½ pound yesterday.  What matters is that I take stock of who I am, how far I have come, what I want and what I need to do to get there- or, in my case to get back there.  Thank heavens I have this tool, my lap band, to help me get there or I would be doomed to the failures I had faced over and over again in the 56 years I lived as an obese person unable to sustain any major weight loss.

I'll weigh myself next week to see how I am doing on the scale.

This time, 7+ years later I am still maintaining a weight loss of well over 200 pounds.  I'll weigh myself next week to see how I am doing on the scale.  I know, when I step back from myself and take a good hard look that I will probably be working 5-10 pounds for the rest of my life- but 15 pounds is further than I want to stray.  Oh, by the way, I just turned 63 years old so it was definitely a good time for reflection.

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