So I am normally a positive person.  I have been able to shed 250 pounds and maintain it with some ups and downs for 14 years.  It took a shift in my perspective about my health, my self worth and my desire to live a long and active life to get there.  These thoughts infiltrate my mind with just about every choice I make throughout the day.

For some reason which I have not yet unraveled, this week has been tough.  I have wanted to stay in bed and try for another hour of sleep or just toss it in and get some Haagen-Dazs at the grocery store.  This, while eating clean, exercising daily, and sleeping much better than I have in years.  What’s up?

Could it be the June Gloom here at the beach in Oxnard CA?  Possibly, since I know I am afflicted with Seasonal Affective Disorder and hate gray days, the heavy overcast that has crept in most nights and hung around much of the day has me feeling out of sorts.  I feel heavy, dull headed, hungry (I think I just want to stuff those feelings and not figure out what’s up) and somewhat angry.  I am snapping at my husband and granddaughter when they are home. 

When I get myself out of bed and to the gym I don’t feel 100%.  My energy levels have not been what they are on a typical day in a typical week of my life.  I just don’t get it.  Still I persevere and get up, get dressed, linger as long as I dare over my tea and then coffee, get to the gym, swim or elliptical and lift weights, shower, and start the rest of my day.  An example- today when I told my trainer I was tired as I looked at the weights I was about to do bicep curls with she told me she would lighten the weight if it was necessary.  THAT is not me.  Unless I am injured I keep progressing and have no desire or plan to lighten my weights.  I am there to get stronger! 

It has been hell to get through my workouts.  When swimming I just keep telling myself 2 more laps, then 2 more laps, then 2 more laps and suddenly I’ve been swimming for 45 minutes.  Yay me.  I’m exhausted but in a better frame of mind.  The elliptical has been a challenge this week.  Thank heavens for a good play list.  Now my work with my personal trainer is another story.  I have been dreading it instead of looking forward to it.  Usually I love feeling my muscles and doing the work that I know engages them and will eventually define them even further than I have brought them to with my years of work.  This week I just keep looking at the clock.  I do not “lighten my load” or modify any more than normal.  I push because that’s who I am and that’s who I shall remain.

I am getting it all done, I haven’t missed a day at the gym nor will I, I just am having to dig very hard and very deep to do it.

The good news is that when I am done I feel better than when I walked in the door and definitely have lots more energy.  I will push through it all and I’m sure in a week this mood will change. 

I wonder if all of this isn’t some sort of physical/emotional reaction to my brother’s passing.  Perhaps I am having some thoughts about my own mortality.  HMMMMM…..if it is, the only way to the other side is right through it so that is exactly what I’ll do- Keep Pushing!  Why?  Because I am worth it.