Here I am, nine years post-op lap band, living and loving my new life.  At my lowest weight I had lost 250 pounds.  I have been supporting and mentoring other weight loss surgery peeps for seven or eight years now.  I have written a book, I facilitate support groups, I moderate classes.  I love what I am doing.  I am living my dream and making more and more happen on a daily basis.  So what’s my problem?  What is this bump in the road I am referring to in the title of this blog?  It is ME.  I am the problem; I am the bump in the road.

As life threw me some hard curve balls I fell back into some old nasty habits.  What habits?  Did I stop working out?  No way.  My sanity is totally dependent on my gym time.  What’s left - FOOD!  That is it for sure.  I spent over a week 3000 miles from home, staying with my brother after the passing of my sister-in law.  The house was full of chips and dips and cakes and cookies and casseroles.  I got out most days and walked or swam, but I reached for those forbidden fruits all day long.  Did they taste good?  Yes, the first bite did.  After that I was just mindlessly consuming the food (and the calories) because it was there.  Immediately after the consumption of junk came the mind games.  I would tell myself it was okay because I would go and work it off.  Ha!  Where have I heard that before?  How do you work off all those cookies on top of all of your regular food?  That meant MORE gym time and I was barely getting in my standard.  Hmmmm, sounds like a bit of denial to me.

Next came the anger.  If my husband tried to gently point out that I might not REALLY want to eat that….., I would tell him that I knew what I was doing and was perfectly capable of taking care of myself.  Then came the sneaking the cookies in when I got up in the morning.  Since I was always the first person up I would have coffee and…… Later I would make breakfast.  If I graze all day I can consume an amazing number of calories.  Anyone else notice that their weight loss surgery is NOT a defense against grazing?

Finally came the guilt.  I felt horrible about myself, what I was doing to myself and then would justify it somehow, wrapping my guilt into it which just contributed to my self sabotage.  OK, I know I shouldn’t do it but will one……really hurt.  Yeah, my jeans were feeling a little snug but gosh darn it, I was going through some difficult times and I was “allowed” to stray off self control. 

What a crock!!!  When I returned home I continued with this pattern for a week or two, although not in such excess.  The net result was a weight gain of course.  I have exceeded my warning weight (the weight I have set for myself as the “top” end of the scale that brings me into the awareness that I am slipping in my good habits) and now have to deal with that horrible weight loss surgery word- REGAIN! 

Am I ashamed of my regain?  I was, until I had the insight that as long as I live in shame I will continue to allow the self sabotage to go on and on.  If people (that would be ME, MYSELF, and I) were judging me so harshly how could I be expected to regain control? 

Then I remembered.  I am a weight loss surgery patient.  I have a tool, and I have a toolbox to draw on to perfect this tool.  First thing I did was contact my doctor and say I needed a fill because I could eat too much of high fiber fruits and vegetables.  His suggestion - have an endoscopy done first…Can’t argue with his caution and desire to look and make sure all is well before giving me a fill.  It’s scheduled.  Next thing I did was look at my food choices.  There were good ones each day, and along with those came the not so good ones.  This was something I had control over and could CHOOSE to change.  So I did.  After procrastinating for about a month, this past Monday I decided to Kick Start my tool, get this excess poundage off and go back to living and loving my life.  I had been finding that my attitude was crappy, I was angry at everyone ( could it be I was really angry at myself) and felt physically bad.  Processed foods and sugars can do that.  So I chose to take back control and press PLAY again.

What does that mean?  It means I am shooting for max of 1200 calories a day with a minimum of 80 grams of protein and the balance coming from veggies that are NOT high in carbs.  It means I am getting in my 64 ounces of water and shooting for 100 ounces as my ultimate goal.  It means that I am at the gym (or I move my body aerobically) every day.  It means I am journaling every bite and sip that pass my lips…”if I bite it, I write it”.  It means that I am planning each meal and each snack with all of this in mind.  It means I cut my food into small bites, eat protein first and chew each bite 30 times.  It means when I think I am hungry the first thing I do is have some water and wait 15-20 minutes.  If I am still hungry I look at the clock and if it has been 3-4 hours since I last ate I choose my next meal or snack mindfully.  It means I do not leave the house without a bottle of water and a 100 calorie minimum 10 grams protein snack with me.  I am back at NO EXCUSES.  It also means I am mindful of all of the areas of my life.  I am working on my professional goals, being kinder and gentler in my relationships (letting go of the anger).  I am putting the balance back into all of the areas of my life.  I am Back on Track to living my best life.

How about you, are you going to choose to be derailed by bumps in the road?