I have a problem with sleep.  I don’t get enough.  I get to sleep with ease most nights, but wake up after a few hours and often can not get back to sleep.  I have tried all the known remedies from melatonin, calcium and magnesium to chamomile tea, sleep masks, warm baths and everything in between.  With a combination of all of these I manage to catch as much as 4 hours of sleep in one uninterrupted session.  Occasionally I can get back to sleep for another hour or so..Woo Hoo!  I love those days.

Before you all try to fix me there is no medication that does not leave me in a hangover state so I will not medicate myself to sleep.  I take the meds and wake up drugged after the same 4 hours.  This isn’t about fixing my sleep problems, but rather about looking at how relationships change after weight loss surgery.

What do relationships and sleep have in common?  Well, for me it became crystal clear this morning while I was driving home from the gym.  It comes back to the same few words I have heard over and over again on my almost 9 years on this weight loss surgery journey.  Those words are accountability, choices and mindfulness.  Let’s apply them to my sleep issues and how I allow them to effect my relationships.

OK, first comes the obvious one- I have had a sleepless night so I am a grumpy person, difficult to get along with and snap at anyone who gets in my way.  What does that get me?  Hmm, let’s see.  It makes me grumpier, more difficult to get along with and surges more adrenaline into my system as I get angry with the world which causes me to snap more at everyone in proximity to me.  By this time I am probably no longer snapping, but actually biting.  Who gets to be on the receiving end of all that nasty behavior and how can they duck?  Well, it is those that I love that usually bear the brunt.  I work SO VERY HARD at somehow making my lack of sleep not only their problem, but their fault as well.  Sound familiar?  It can go with many other issues as well.  I did it for years with food.  My obesity was always the result of someone else…because if I took responsibility for it then I would have to own it and that meant that I had the ultimate control over it…oops, can’t let that happen now can we? 

Now let’s look at the sleep and the food together for a moment.  I had weight loss surgery and decided to take control of my obesity, to be responsible and accountable for all of my choices around food, to change my relationship with food.  I am still, and will always be, a work in progress on this issue, but at almost 9 years post-op and 250 pounds down I have the upper hand.  What if I looked at my relationships with those who I love the same way?

But it’s food you say- if you don’t want potato chips in the house you just don’t buy them right?  And further, you ask the others in your house to please eat their potato chips somewhere else, right?  You make a conscious, mindful decision on how to act with your “potato chip” right?  Why can’t we do the same thing with relationships?  Am I oversimplifying?  You bet, but sometimes simple = workable.  I can get rid of the potato chips in my life - those people who clearly don’t do good things for me.  I can be mindful of those relationships and move as far away from them as I need to for my health and well being, just like potato chips. 

Now comes the really difficult part.  Just like we chose potato chips and ice cream over chicken and fish for years and years and possibly even had more potato chip like items in our cupboards until we “cleaned house” we can choose to rid our house of the potato chips and treat the fish and chicken with more care.  How, you ask?  Simple - be mindful of your choices.  I found myself yelling at my husband for no good reason last night because I was angry about possibly not sleeping because it was 11PM and suddenly I was wide awake and somehow it was his fault.  Wow, I was becoming the potato chip?  Why would he want a toxic person in his life?  Why would he not try to clean house of all of this toxicity?  He has, he’s been asking me not to raise my voice to him, and yet my frustration with insufficient sleep was somehow his fault.  Much like my obesity was “caused” by everyone else but me.  While there may be a tiny shred of truth in both statements the POWER in both situations was with ME.  I had the power and the ability to make the choices necessary to win the potato chip battle, just as I have the power and ability to accept that not sleeping has nothing to do with my husband, or daughter, or best friend, or mother and I can CHOOSE to be kind and nice with them, rather than short, snappy, angry, complaining or……….  (feel free to fill in the blank).

So thanks to all of my friends and family, but especially to my husband (we will be married 45 years next week) who have tolerated my potato chip behavior.  I am throwing it in the trash with all of the other things I have cleaned out of my cupboards during the last 9 years of my journey from 424 pounds.  I am choosing to not act like processed food and “poison” our relationships, but to act more like fish or chicken or …….  (again feel free to fill in the blank) and nourish our relationships.

I do this because just like I choose life by having weight loss surgery and being accountable and responsible for my behaviors around food, I choose YOU because you matter to me and are important to my life.

So yes, relationships change after weight loss surgery.  They change because of choices made along the journey.