Fourteen years post-op, 250 pounds gone, living a good life. At 69+ years young, some of my previous bad life choices and heredity require me to take actions that I hadn’t thought about for a very long time.
When I was around 32 years old, obese, smoking, and taking birth control pills; I had a DVT (a deep venous blood clot in the calf of my right leg) after a fall. The DVT, smoking, obesity and birth control pills left my deep venous system in bad shape. I have what is called venous insufficiency- the valves in my veins don’t work, so they don’t help pump the blood from my legs back up to my heart. The result is varicose veins of course, as well as acute swelling in my legs, as well as pain and heaviness.
Shedding 250 pounds and taking up regular exercise for the past 14 years has helped this condition tremendously, but it has not resolved and each year it has become more difficult to get the swelling under control. My vascular surgeon wants to do a venogram on both legs where he inserts a catheter and then a camera to check out where a blockage may be happening to see if he can resolve the blockage by placing a stint in the affected vein. This requires 2 incisions (one on each upper thigh/pelvic area) and anesthesia and about 4-6 hours for this outpatient procedure. I have scheduled it for August 17th and the outcomes I hope to realize are resolution of swelling in my left leg, and a partial resolution of the swelling in my right leg, along with less or total resolution of the pain and “heaviness” I feel in my legs. A little scary but worth the effort so that I can continue with my exercise regimen and living my best life swimming, snorkeling, hiking, biking, and traveling as long as is possible.
So why am I so frightened? I don’t know but I am. I have been a bit of a nervous wreck the last 2 weeks and haven’t been able to put my finger on it until the last 2 days. I am sitting with my head in the ridiculous place of creating negative, horrible outcomes to this procedure. My vascular surgeon is tops in his field with national accolades, I trust him implicitly, yet I am acting like a 5 year old afraid to go to the doctor because I’m going to get a shot.
I had plastic surgeries that lasted 11-1/2 hours and left me in lots of pain for weeks. I was not as frightened then as I am today. I finally figured it out and am dealing with it head on from this very moment. What I have been doing is worrying about the pain, the possible negative outcomes, keeping that “Negative Nellie” inside my head alive and well and feeding her worst thoughts. What a useless expenditure of energy that has been. It’s cost me sleep, clarity of mind, and stolen the joy in my life, not to mention putting a few pounds on my body.
Instead of just feeling the fear, breathing though it, and assuring myself that this is a procedure that is done successfully thousands of times a day across the world, I had been choosing to grab food and stuff my fear instead of feeling it. This emotional eating to not feel the fear and conquer it has not served me well. I feel bloated, have a headache, I am sluggish, I am barking at everyone in my proximity, and my clothes are snug on me. THAT is the “old” me, and she blossomed even through my daily fitness routines, and my “healthy” choices of food to numb with (almonds and cashews are healthy - although the quantities should be small, aren’t popcorn and Cheetos too?). It’s been 14 years since I saw her this clearly and it’s time to say goodbye to her again. Interesting thing is I NEVER stopped my fitness routine through all this emotional nonsense.
I started this morning off with a great swim, then had one of my “egg muffins” (72.5 calories/9 grams protein) for breakfast, lots of water and then 4 oz of smoked salmon and cucumber slices for lunch (29 grams of protein and crunch), am going back to my water now and sticking to eating protein first - in reasonable quantities, lots of water, taking all my vitamins (including my extra B complex to settle my nerves), and LOTS of self talk about breezing through the procedure.
The time is NOW to push through the fear and get to the other side where LIFE and JOY exist. Just writing this has eased my brain and my heart. The wall is crumbling, and I choose to deal with this procedure as one that will improve my quality of life and make all I love doing possible for me as the years continue to pass. I have no need to numb myself with food. I have love and support all around me.
It’s ok, I am human and this is the journey called life. No need to resurrect old habits that do not serve me in my post WLS life.