Growing up as a chubby toddler and then an overweight and finally an obese child I was often subject to not only overt bullying by being called FAT, but also the covert discrimination. Discrimination of overweight kids can take many forms; most of them leading to the isolation of the obese child. This isolation is what I remember most vividly. I felt alone. I felt different from everyone else. I felt like I definitely did not belong. The popular kids wanted nothing to do with me. Even some of the unpopular kids steered clear of me. I felt like I had to work twice as hard as anyone else to get any sort of recognition. After all, who wanted to see a fat girl waddle up on stage or to the front of the room, or for that matter anywhere?
I was smart, it probably would have been easier for me if I wasn’t so aware of everything going on around me but I multi-tasked even as a young child. At 9 years old I remember working really hard so that I could win the award for having read the most books in 3rd grade. I desperately wanted recognition any way I could get it. I succeeded; I read 29 books (extra- over and above our regular assignments) and did 29 extra book reports. Does that let you know how determined I was to get that acknowledgement from someone, anyone, but hopefully from my entire class. I won the award, which was, guess what? Yup, you got it, a book! That left the class snickering in amusement.
As a teenager I continued seeking that recognition. I just wanted to be accepted by my peers as one of them. I had a very few close friends, those that didn’t make my appearance the most import check on the roster of attributes necessary in a friend. I am still, at 64 years old, in communication with both of them. Funny thing is, I introduced the two of them and they have been married now since 1966. There went my circle, getting smaller once they hooked up. College was a similar experience. I was 16 years old when I started and I had no desire to “rush” for a sorority or house plan where fitting in and how you looked and who you knew were of the highest priorities. I found a group of people I felt comfortable with who had no expectations, no demands and were extremely bright and personable. They didn’t care if I was the youngest (which I was), the oldest. The smallest or the biggest (which I was). They cared about me. But still I felt that something was missing. I was different, I wanted to be accepted into some inner circle somewhere.
I met my husband while I was in college and immediately knew that we both were fully accepting of each other. After 2 ½ whirlwind weeks we eloped and got married. Now, some 44+ years later we are still together, and still complete each other. I was accepted and loved for who I am, not who I could be. I hope he felt the same. I belonged, I had a home. However, I had learned to stuff all of these emotions down my throat in the form of food at an early age and still had not got control. We lived through the late sixties together and the early 70’s, the days of hippies and Woodstock, and my addictive personality chose food over all else, which in retrospect is a good thing.
Suddenly it was 2004 and I was 55+ years old and weighed 424 pounds. My co-morbidities were beginning to catch up with me in the form of high blood pressure, arthritis, asthma, sleep apnea… just to name a few. I chose to have lap band surgery and for the first time in many, many, years I had my weight under control. It’s now 2012 and I still have my weight under control. In addition I work out regularly so I have muscles and curves. I also had some plastics done after losing 250 pounds. How did I afford that, it’s simple - I can’t ever retire!
What is this entire story about besides my weight loss journey you ask? It’s about acceptance, belonging and acknowledgement. I bought a dress at our local Harvest Festival and chose to wear it for the first time today. The locker room at the gym was filled with about 15 women at 8 am when I had make-up on, hair dried and slipped the dress over my head. Then the buzz started and continued for about 10 minutes. Just about every woman in the gym came up to me to tell me what a great dress it was, how good I looked in it, we segued into a discussion of what “colors” are you - winter, summer, etc and how “sexy” my body looked in the dress, how my working out has paid off in trumps. I ate it up like a kitten at a bowl of milk, thanking everyone and finally heading into the office with a GIANT smile on my face. The compliments were great, I looked and felt good, I was definitely accepted, I was surrounded as a matter of fact. No longer was I being ostracized and made to feel like an outsider. I belonged.
I was no longer being discriminated against, because I am no longer obese.
Damn that feels good!